How to Make Friends as An Adult

"Hi, do you want to play with me?" And just like that, two kids are friends. By contrast, it's hard to know how to make friends as an adult. You don't have as much time or energy, you have more responsibilities, and you aren't going through the intense developmental changes that facilitate friendship for young people.

While I'm not an expert on adult friendship, I’ve moved frequently throughout my adult life, and in each new location, I’ve had to get to know a new set of people. Also, since I didn’t get married until age thirty-two and my husband was my first boyfriend, I spent many adult years without a partner to be my fallback friend. If I wanted social interaction, I had to put myself out there. The following are the ideas that have most helped me to make friends as an adult.

Disclaimer: Sometimes you’re not in the right place to try to make friends—for whatever reason—and that’s fine. Also, these ideas have their limits—you can’t force friendship on people if they’re not interested or not in a life stage to prioritize it, and you have a finite amount of social time and energy to work with. Focus on the ideas that have the best ROI potential for you and leave the rest.

1. Reach out—and then reach out again. Everyone is busy. People forget to text back. Someone says they’re going to have you over and then never does. But all this notwithstanding, people like to be thought of, included, and invited, so be patient and keep trying even if your first attempt doesn’t pan out. If you know (or suspect) there are barriers to getting together, see if you can address them. If someone goes to bed early, see if they can get together for lunch or on a weekend. If someone is afraid their kids will destroy your house, get together outside. It can get exhausting to always be the person who initiates, and ideally it will go both ways if a friendship develops. But at the start, you may have to be the frequent initiator.

2. Go to social events even if (A) the activity isn’t your favorite or (B) you’re not sure who will be there. If people are gathering to do something you don’t love—they’re still gathering! Suck it up and go—you never know who you might connect with while watching The Bachelor or sitting at a baseball game. If you’re not sure who will be at the event (and that makes you nervous or afraid you’ll be bored), go with a goal such as meeting a new person or sitting by someone who looks lonely. Having a purpose can help with the nerves, and sometimes it leads to making that new adult friend.

3. Assume people like you. Easier said than done—yeah, I know. But from what I’ve read about adult friend-making, people are more likely to like us than we think. It’s natural to feel self-conscious because we wore the wrong thing to the party, but most people won’t even notice—because they’re too busy worrying about if their joke landed wrong or if people are going to like their generic-brand box brownies or if the baby vomit stain on their shirt is noticeable. If you can remind yourself that other people probably like you, it frees you up to focus on making them feel good about themselves. And who doesn’t appreciate someone like that?

4. Put yourself in situations where you will see the same people. Apparently, research shows that people like other people they know they will see repeatedly. You might have structured opportunities like this—a job, class, club, sports team, PTA, community group, or church congregation. Going further, think about organizing a regular play date, time to bike or run with a buddy, or group for watching a show or playing games. You can also try to use this principle in less structured situations. If you frequently see the same people at the park or pool, run into the same person at the gym, or sit near the same person while on your lunch break, talk to them. The “seeing people repeatedly” principle also works with long-distance friendships you want to maintain. When I have scheduled phone calls or active Marco Polo chats with long-distance friends, it’s easier to stay close because they’re still a regular part of my life. During COVID, I even built close friends over Marco Polo by constantly chatting with my fellow writers in the Hot Mess Writers Club.

Making adult friends is hard, but worth it! It may take time, tears, and pivots, but eventually, you'll find your people. If you enjoyed this article on how to make friends as an adult, click here to join my monthly newsletter to get fun emails about life hacks, books, and other magical things straight to your inbox.

Photos by Omar Lopez and Bewakoof.com Official, respectively, on Unsplash